6th February.hot and humid!

it's been 38 days since the day i left Vancouver.

time flies... faster than i thought.

January was completely a month of recovery for myself

I have no idea what have been installed for me from now and onwards

basically, i'm just welcoming whatever challenges that may come along the way

it was just last 2 weeks i met with sandy

she reminded me about who i am and that i mirror her

looking at her success in winning her obstacles abroad

inspired me so much to work harder for mine

she gave me good guidances... she read me like a book

now... what sickness can therefore be an obstacle?

well, do not know what to write...

so much in mind but just can't place them into words

should i try the holiday working visa to Melbourne?...

19th December. tears of despair

came back and as usual to check my online stuffs.

i got a mail from sister entitled 'message from dad'

it took me a while to open the content

i was wondering... heck, sounds so serious it must be some reminders again...

and i guess, it might be something that will not make me to feel easy

true enough...

the first reminder triggered the frustration in me

i just couldn't understand

why must we still be so kind... to care for another person's feeling when they dont even give a damn of how we feel ...before they have done certain awful things on us? when they are treating us so cruelly?

well, i dont mean to be extremely bad in return but in fact i'm doing nothing

from my stand point of view is that i just need to have nothing to do with them anymore and i just want to get myself recover from the trauma

everything has changed. eventho everything is going to end here soon but the memory still last. i'm human too. On this matter no one and nothing is going to change me of how i feel anymore...

no one will really understand how my experience was... it seems like not even my family does and in the eyes of others they just thought i should do... this this and that, this and that... but have they really thought the aftermath impact? the concerning feelings of a person who think they were in shock and trapped in the situation? and that person will sometimes even cry in a middle of the night for dont know why reasons or maybe she knows why but just cannot be articulated? have they showed compassion?

gosh... what a so alone thingy here :'(

14th December. still in agony

I had a magnificent weekend.

It was a white weekend on top of Whistler Blackcomb mountain. For the first time in my life.

The feeling was indescribable. I didn't get to snowboard... i knew it was a waste. I am having a lil difficulty walking how can i snowboard? that's the question.

This is a much looking forward trip. So what comes after this are some mini gatherings and then i'll be looking forward to be back in KL. The ratio to go back is... still remain as 60:40. I had a dialogue with Sam last thursday. I knew what she meant... we have something in common. As in, the situation i'm in with her past encounter. I found her so much a person with compassion... and then i realized i am somewhat a loser now.

If were to choose to stay on i have to bear with everything and persevere... if not there are also things to accomplish back home. Back to my conclusion... is still the money that counts. On another hand, this place has given me... a traumatic memory. Every now and then... still remain as a distraction. How can i get myself out from the emotional abuse? damn... i know very well, i am still very much in a state of agony.

I feel nausea even when i think about her... to picture her in my mind unintentionally. Aunty? ... Never! I feel so terrible now and then... that i just need a brand new place. Again, if that is a karma... i think it will be the same. Staring in front of the mirror for a while makes me more angry sometimes... i just feel like life is so pointless.

I went to the office last week only then also i realized i was such a loser. I didn't brave enough to even wanted to look at her and then i felt nausea again. Walking back... got me into thoughts, I felt as if there were two identities talking to me now and then, the brave one said "mother fucker... i wasn't at fault at all. why am i feeling like a loser and a coward. I shud have fucking stand up and fight for myself. Ahh small girl shud have enough of patience all this while... FIGHT!!!stop being bullied and accused again and another identity seems more like a loser... just thought patience is all i need for peace...

i think no one would ever understand the injury and mental abuse i am having... it ss really a torture and all some people would just say is - ignore! ignore.. and just ignore. I can tell... this is the most irritating word i would ever wanted to hear.

No matter how beautiful this place is... to me it will always be scar - so imperfect already

i'm sorry things have been said and done unto me can never be undo

N-e-V-e-R !

3rd December. terrorist.

My heart felt so captive and suffocating

My mind is so messed up

I don't have a goodnight sleep everyday

Whenever i try to doze off, there's always reflections. i felt so bothered.

Her voice and berserk images... keep rewinding and echoing in my emptied mind in this silent room

It feels like... it's robbing away my very soul

This time is for real that it gives me such a major impact and left me such an ugly scar and sore

i am feeling so fearful... am i going to be fine?

there ain't a word to describe this encounter. torture? harassment? mistreat? bully? accusation? they sounded so... terrible and disgrace to me. it is?

after a betrayal of trust and friendship from a friend alike sister whom i thought very sincere ... i thought that's a good lesson... then mistreat happened at work which was crap. i thought it would be an end and nothing alike to happen again... here comes another disaster from a someone in the family tree who then wrong and accuse me for fucking no reason.

is this a big bully to someone like me who is so far away from home... having no one to stand by my side and that gives way to bully like this?

is this a karmic retribution? really?

in the eyes of others, i maybe calculative... but all i can say is, it's not about being calculative or not calculative person i am. This is an emotional attack - it's about the weakening of my intellect and strength... and is an attack of feeling and emotion that is so deeply embedded in my memory.

the day when i thought i had a heart attack... i had a really miserable and unforgettable feeling. I felt as if i have lost everything... and i'm going to die just like that. the feeling triggered such an awful feeling in me that was so bizarre.

why do i need to reckon all by myself? why do i need to succumb to bitter mistreat like this?

i can't deny i am still in a state of trauma, panic... disappointment... severely in a state of agony within to boot.

my heart that is so upset. so irritated. so much rage of frustration that is awaiting for eruption

She really terrorizes me. i dont know what i can do now... i need to scream... as loud as possible and to remain calm till i'm home.

Tell me... is going to be fine.

30th November. a quiet Monday.

Today was an amazingly good day i suppose. I woke up as early as 11am... well before i went to bed, i kept telling myself that i must wake up early today. 30th November my last day of using my monthly boarding pass.

It cost me Rm 250 monthly (what the hell, so pensive)... i've been telling myself since last week that i must make use of it even till its last day... yeah even i'm still limping :) *typical Malaysian mentality*

Since i'm job-less right now ... and surviving on my last few hundreds, i can no longer afford to have luxurious food. Even a bowl of Vietnamese Noodle or a bun... really cause me to think twice if to eat them. Waking up as late as possible is one of the means to help me to save on another course of meal... eating vermicelli, egg noodle, eggs that cost less than a dollar is really also one of the working means for someone like me and also to survive in this economy crisis...

Well maybe i sound too exaggerating... i guess, this is really base on experience. Take a detour from yourself and place yourself in my shoe... or any of your friends who are living abroad especially someone who situation like this... hmm, rather subjective tho.

anyhow, I had fried egg noodles today for brunch - if you wanna take a look, here it goes...

WELL... well... well, to count my blessing for today...... yeah, my ankle got better. I am surviving for another day now, i am happy that i fired her, i am happy that i'm here, i am happy that i dare to stand for myself *eventually, i am happy that i chant with joy, i am happy that i'm poor now, i'm happy that above all, i still have a very trustworthy and reliable childhood friend here who have been helping me throughout my trying times here, a group of very wonderful family of gakkai friends here ... my family back home and friends back home...

okay... i think i should be very positive by now...

cheerioz!

28th Nov, Ma's birthday and potluck

28th November. Ma's birthday! :)

About a month ago, i posted two birthday cards. Unfortunately, the one i sent to ma isn't delivered. I wonder why. Could it be my error? Did i write the wrong address?? gosh... what a waste of my effort and goodwill. How could that be? arghh... i was so upset because very possibly it could be my mistake :( Happy Birthday Ma..

We had potluck today at Thomas and Cassandra's place. It was really a nice and sweet home. I meant... nice as in really nice and fantastic. It was a general district meeting that combined two districts together that is the Blueberries District and Lotus Blossom District. I had a good time... and also the food. Met with Amelia, Sam, Junko, Sharon, Sarah, Gilles, Thomas, Cass, Nicole, Kinue, Aunty Lin... Mark, and some new found members too.

Think Gakkai family is really great. this Family is around the globe. So connected isn't it? So united too. I'm starting to miss them already... it seems like my holiday is going to end pretty soon well of cuz, given the fact that i've also brought a lot more forward my date to go back. It was really touching when Sarah and co is trying to organize a farewell cum xmas party for me and everyone... i mean, i truly appreciate the fact that my presence was felt despite the time we spent is merely 5 months. Wonderful...

Kiran said, it could my mission that lies here. I remember Kennice told me the same while i was in KL. Whatever it is... i do not know how things will turn out to be until the last moment. I am truly feeling uncomfortable with my unpleasant experience at work and personal issue here. I am NOT GONNA GIVE A DAMN. I am truly not very happy with what i've been thru and the process of going thru it. Tears gone dry... and is of no use for me to dwell with it and to be angry about anymore. Might as well, i just spend my time creating more values and helping others to find their happiness instead of mine - at least for the moment.

Anyhow, above all i'm very thankful that i have my childhood friend here... and also the new found friends i made here who are indeed very helpful all these while. Thank you ...from the bottom of my heart. I promised to cherish and challenge and yes, it's gonna starts now... i'll be back to be who i am despite the circumstances! hope... and there's still hope...

and kai ma said, count the blessing instead... okie at least now it seems brighter for me. I wonder if she's in Dubai, Egypt or Australia now? very miss her and my family.

2:00 am... and i wonder where selina and june is now? HK- KL ? BKK - KL already? goshh... i miss them so much too and can't wait to see them again!!

27th November. Happy Birthday to Selina

27th November. I woke up feeling more exhausted today. Surprisingly the sun was rising and shining brightly (i thought it would be another gloomy day). It was so glaring that i felt so reluctant to open my eyes.

The curtain fell in the middle again (can't think of a right term to describe) I felt so tensed up that i need to ask EC to fix for me again. Guess, i've brought him much trouble... feeling so bad now. Sigh, perhaps is time for me to really get a man... tsk tsk tsk.

Got up and the first thing i did was to wrap my leg with my bandage. DIY. Well, didn't know it looks as good as Cindiya did for me. It was a good freaking pain i had that midnight if not speaking with cousin and gor over the skype i dont know how i could last till the next morning. (i think i sounded very much like an attention seeker that night...errrghh)




I had so much of memory in Canada now. Quitting my job (which i think i had done it right) and surviving with limited money I think this is a year of victory for me.

Anyway,

Since today is leng lui sister's birthday, i would like to take this opportunity to wish her a very happy birthday... and may all her wishes come true. May the year ahead brings her much joy, wealth and happiness. Hope you'd a great time in Bangkok with ur friends!! Miss ya sis!